The other day, I opened my email inbox and found a bundle of SPAM. Usually, I just delete them and go on my merry way, but this message caught my attention:

"Mementos: Just as there is now a company that will take a deceased person's cremated ashes and make a diamond for a keepsake by your surviving spouse, WE can take your penis, testicles and scrotum, and preserve them using a new high-tech method called "Plastination".

The end result? Upon your death, your "Family Jewels" need not go to waste! They can be preserved, kept and enjoyed indefinately by your significant- other.And, wouldn't you really rather that your surviving Significant-Other have the most meaningful and personal keepsake you can offer? Much more meaningful than a common urn of ashes, flag from an interrment service, even jewelry, etc.

The penis, testicles and scrotum which the two of you have had so much fun enjoying together - should be the most meaningful keepsake you can leave behind.My company, INTIMATE MEMENTOS, will preserve your entire "package" - skin, meat inside, everything - either erect or soft. Just the way you want to be remembered! The final Memento is non-toxic, can be safely handled, examined and displayed."

Um, hello? Did that just advertise what I think it did? Apparently, Bob thinks there is a market for widows who want to keep their late spouse’s weenie as a post-mortem dildo. Night of the living dead penis. It'll stalk you, moaning, in the middle of the night, gently thumping on your bedside table, looking for some fun- "meat" and all.

At first, I couldn’t believe it. But a few short emails later, and I realized these people were serious. They will take your dead man’s penis, fill it with plastic and give it back to you. The company spokesman, we’ll call him Bob, thinks this is " a great, loving, and a sentimental keepsake, for women who love their man and want to remember all the joy and pleasure they shared…"

Um yeah…

So I prodded him a little more. Don't you think it's a little bit unhealthy to want to keep a dead person's body part around the house?

Bob replied, "If you're not ashamed of your man, his manly parts, or his love - you
shouldn't be ashamed of wanting to keep a very personal and unique memento of him. Even if is is different! If you loved him (or wanted to own and posess him)
in life, you can keep a very meaningful and intimate personal keepsake that was truly him after he's gone."

Well, well, Bob. I suppose if there are people willing to cryogenically freeze their heads or stuff a beloved pet and keep them around the house as an accessory, then there must be a woman out there who wants her man's weenie dipped in plastic and proudly displayed on the mantel. But for me, I can honestly say I would not want a dead-husband weenie pop. Having my man’s dick hanging around a drawer in my bedroom would not evoke positive, happy memories. Not to be judgmental, but come on. I think these guys are a bit misguided. It isn’t the dick we’re going to miss, it’s the man. Dicks are a dime a dozen.