My husband and I used to have an awesome sex life. Nine years later. It is the worst. I am very attractive and great in bed! He is not sleeping around outside of our marriage, as far as I know. I have been in the bar business for 21 years as well as a stripper and model.
I am tired of the shitty sex life, but I do not want to cheat. Believe
it or not, I have great morals. CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY ADVICE? I have tried everything. —I love sex kitty kat
Dear Sex Kitty Kat—
Unfortunately, this isn't an easy question with a clear, quick solution. I'm gonna throw a few things out and hope that at least one can get you guys back on track.
In my experience, lackluster sex usually follows equally bad communication. Do you still feel like you can tell each other anything or have the lines been closed? If you aren't putting the energy into communicating—because you are worn out, are worried about work, or feel like you are getting nowhere when you talk—then your sex life will suffer. In a nutshell, sex problems are often caused by non-sexual problems. Find the real problem and the sex will follow.
When people are together and committed, the emotional connection is what keeps the sex and relationship strong. Let's face it, lust and physical love wear off. But, take heart. You can still have hot lusty sex well into a relationship, but for you it seems that you have to put the energy into uncovering the root cause and fixing it, if you want to fan the flames.
Following this line of thought, I've known good-looking in-love couples whose sex life suddenly became terrible. In one instance, they were having some financial trouble and the man felt as if the woman wasn't contributing. Voila! Instant sex troubles. At first, she thought he wasn't attracted to her, but soon learned that the root of the problem wasn't sex at all, it was money. Once they had talked that out, everything was fine.
Moving on, if there isn't any other underlying problem causing the fireworks to fizzle in your bedroom, here are a couple of other approaches. Is it stress? Nothing kills sex drive like stress—from work, family, money or you name it. Stress changes your body chemistry. Digestion, immune response and sex drive all shut down. Eliminating the stress renews the sex.
Or, maybe it's time to recycle the booty. Romance each other. Set time aside to just be together—no, not cleaning the house or watching TV. Go on a date, light some candles and drink a bottle of wine. Talk about your dreams and aspirations instead of the coworker who drives you bonkers. Hide a new set of panties under your dress. Try new positions, have sex in public or buy a copy of Sexual Secrets and try tantra to get back in sync.
Whatever you do, don't give up. It sounds cheesy, but love is hard to find. Cheating isn't really for you. Seems to me like you just want your man to want you, not some cheesy one-night love affair. So, Kitty I hope this helps a little bit. And please, write back and let me know how it's going. —Ms. Foxy P
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